About One month ago I was also told that I have Fibromyalgiawhich caused Type 2 Dieabetes. I now know why I am always hurting and am so tired all the time. Sleep is a forgien thing to me. I get around 3-5 hours a day is all. It hurts to lay down or sit too long.

Please understand I'm not complaining, I'm still alive and have a wonderful family to support me. At the time of my accident we lived in Colorado. We now live in a small town in Arkansas. It is a much smaller and much quiter place to live. We don't have all the medical things that I had in Denver, but I don't have the stress either. I'm much more relaxed now and I'm able to go for walks again.

Thankyou for caring enough to read this.

Tammy

It was a beautiful day out the morning of July 14, 2000. The sun was shining and I was letting my daughters go outside to play before I had to run to my job. I was going to let my husband have a quite weekend at home while we were going to Leadville, Colorado to see my family. I had instructed my son to make sure he would be off by 4:00 pm (he never got off work on time), and that I would be there to pick him up so we could get on the road before rush hour traffic hit. Unfortunately in Denver rush starts at around 3:00pm - but in the mountains it doesn't hit until 5 or so. I had gotten off work at 2:00pm so I could load my van, get my family ready and hit the road.

Well of course nothing was going right. My office phone didn't stop ringing until 2:10. I got home and my daughters hadn't packed anything yet; so I got them moving, went out and checked the oil, filled up with gas and cleaned out my van. I told the girls to get ready I was going to run and get Chris (my son) from work and then I would be back home to get them.

On my way up to get my son for his job, I thought it would be great to send all of my kids to see their grandparents and I would stay home with Mark (my husband of 22 years). "Then in a split second, I changed my mind - what if they got into a car accident - We would loose all of our kids - no I could not live through that - I'll just go."

2 blocks farther down the avenue, my life changed forever. As I approached the intersection, I looked to the left, then to the right, started turning my head to makes sure nothing was coming even though the light was green - I hit something big and white - it was a truck- oh- my God it's rolling - God please forgive me- The man's head was being cut in two. God I killed him. There was a bus load of people getting off across the street as the accident happened. I heard one lady screamed "she killed him!, she murdered him!" And that's how it stuck in my head.

The ambulance was right there. The reason why the guy in the truck ran the red light, or the only reason we can figure out, is there was a fire truck and ambulance that was going to a 911 call. When they got to the light and it was red with no clear path they turned off their lights - as is their procedure - but the guy went through anyway. He was 79 years old. This is why we think he was confused. I'm not sure if I blacked out or not. The doctor thinks I was in and out because of the way I said things happened. I was walked right by the man and all I could see were his eyes - looking at me as if to say why did you hit me?!

They took me to the ER at a hospital about 3 miles away. I was able to call my son at work and tell him that I was in an accident and that I had killed someone. I also told him to call his dad and get him to the hospital - I didn't know if I was going to be arrested or not. I mean if you kill someone it is murder - right? Still to this day I fight with myself as to whether this was or wasn't my fault. I don't remember anything from 3:45pm to about 11:30 pm. They checked me out and sent me home. There were no signs of blood on me or broken bones so I must be alright. The only x-ray they did was of my neck - 1 x-ray, and some pills - that's it.

I got up the next morning had had to go to the police station to give my report. I guess I told the officer just what I told you here. He said that they weren't going to arrest me and that it was an accident and I was not at fault. Then we went to identify our van and clean it out.

When we got to the van we noticed that the steering wheel was broke in half, I must have broke it when I hit. The air bags had gone off; this was something I could not answer when I was asked. If you look at the van from the back, there seems to be nothing wrong with it, then you go around front and you can see right where the truck landed.

Two weeks after the accident I started having headaches, my speech started going weird on me. I was loosing the know-how of speaking. I went and had a CT Scan done. It showed nothing wrong - this was all due to me "not knowing how to deal with the situation" or so I was told. I also started loosing my memory. I would get lost easy, not knowing people for my past, etc. Things were so confusing to me. I had such a hard time forming sentences that I lost my job. The boss I had said it was due to finances, but he hired someone right after I was "let go".

I was out of work for 3 months so I could try to get my life back. I went to physical therapy, swim therapy, and had a neuropsych test done. My speech came back but my memory is gone. I was told by the neuropsych doctor that I was malingering. That no-one could live without their memory and not be a "vegetable".

My insurance won't pay for anything else to be done for me. I guess I'm stuck in limbo. I will never have my memory back, but I still have my family. They have been there for me, even when it is next to impossible to be near me.

I have brought new meanings to the words "dizzy" blonde. My world keeps on spinning (and so does my head). I have not given up on trying to fight for my self even though I want to at times.

Email Tammy