After almost eight years, I think I am at the acceptance stage finally. It took 6-1/2 years for the brain injury to get diagnosed. And it WASN'T for lack of trying either. At first I asked for help, then pleaded, and lastly begged. I am one of those persons who doesn't "seem" like they have a brain injury. Until you're around me for any length of time. Then ppl know.
During that first intense year, I went through all of the typical things that a person with brain injury goes through: crushing headaches, swallowing dozens of pills, going to constant doctor appointments, feeling like I had no life, sitting on the sofa in a daze exhausted and lost, smacking into walls because of the dizziness, sleeping constantly, wondering what was wrong with me and not knowing, crying for "the lost me," scaring my friends with aggressive outbursts, struggling to stay afloat at work and failing, getting lost in the parking lot at Walmart, dealing with mounds of paperwork, being scared and begging ppl not to leave me, reading stuff over and over and still not having it sink in, pushing myself everyday to function, falling asleep in physical therapy from exhaustion, asking ppl time and time again "what's going to happen," nightmares at night, flashbacks during the day, not being able to remember the sequence of the accident for 10 months, making mistakes at work (thank goodness I didn't work in a life-and-death field) to the point where ppl questioned my abilities, and wondering what, what in the world, the future would hold for me.
Along the way, I researched brain injury alot. Kept looking for answers to the continuing problems in my life. Wouldn't give up. It was those actions that caused ppl to question my motives. They didn't know me. They didn't know what I was going through every waking and sleeping moment, and continue to.
The funny thing about all of the research was that I couldn't figure out if I had a brain injury or not. I thought I did, but I wasn't sure. When my brain doc told me I did, I asked him if I could have additional tests to be sure. LOL Doesn't that sound typical of someone with a brain injury? Cannot judge themselves very well at times.
The hyperverbosity from the brain injury made it harder for ppl, doctors included, to realize that I have a brain injury. Having always loved language and words, ppl would say how can this woman have a brain injury when she can talk like this? It's BECAUSE of the brain injury and my previous skills.
My brain doc told me that all of the evidence of brain injury was in the 1996 test results. That was a hard one to choke down. He told me if someone had intervened sooner, my whole life would have been different. That was an even harder one to choke down.
There are many good days now and an equal number of really hard ones. I'm still in physical therapy all winter to deal with the chronic pain from the car accident injuries. The man in the pick-up that hit me doesn't even know that the accident resulted in a brain injury for me. Many of the doctors who worked on my case would be surprised to learn that I have a permanent brain injury affecting two lobes of the brain. And the attorneys.........well, let's just say they had a field day at my expense. It's still painful for me to look back on what they did to me, so I try not to.
I'm lucky because the pendulum is swinging in the direction of having more and more good days. For that I'm grateful. And I'm grateful for those loving friends with brain injury who gently told me that the "old me" is gone when I was in tears at my most vulnerable, that ppl with brain injury are capable of profound mistakes, and gently, ever so gently telling me that it is up to each individual to be a part of the future, that the decision is mine. Because for a long time, after trying and having failure after failure, there seemed like there was nothing to go on to.
I'm quite relieved to know that lately the Center for Disease Control is working in cooperation with the Brain Injury Association of America on an education campaign to inform doctors and the general public about mild traumatic brain injury. My life is a testament to what can go wrong when that condition is not promptly diagnosed and treated. Physical and psychosocial complications result--BIG TIME. I now know what it means to "flatline" emotionally. I now know what it means to be totally devoid of hope and to have given up. I now understand how ppl feel who commit suicide. And I now know what it is like to climb out of that abyss. For anyone who knows anything about brain injury, there is nothing mild about a mild brain injury. 85% heal--15% have permanent injury. It's nice to know the big guys are doing something about it.
I'll never forget what happened to me. I'll never forget the suffering and the refusal of doctors to help. I'll never forget some of the cruel things that were said to me. But you know what? I'll never forget how many good ppl I met along the way either. Those are the things that keep me going these days. You see, I'm starting to have a life again in a place where it's not a crime to be injured. There is no shame in being injured, especially when I did nothing to cause the accident. The ppl in my life care so much about me that they want me to have a life again.
I have learned that life is very imperfect and that everyone, including myself, makes alot of mistakes in this life. Even doctors. Even doctors who think they are right all the time. Even attorneys. Even judges. Even juries. Even the so-called experts. And so is "the system." Life is like a rollercoaster ride, sometimes up, sometimes down, and sometimes routine and just chuggin' along. The acceptance is coming more and more because I'm finding more and more to replace what was lost.
Accepting the loss of being at my physical prime was a tough one. So now I tell myself that the glory days may be gone, but I can still find glory in other aspects of my life. Especially the emotional ones. Accepting the deceit and betrayal of my fellow man has been a tough one to choke down too. An old friend said to me, "the older I become, the more I realize how imperfect life is." I have now adopted the philosophy of knowing just how important it is to love myself even with a brain injury and to forgive, myself and others. Sometimes I wonder if brain injury is helping me complete my education as a human being.
Many times I have told ppl that every person with a brain injury should be awarded a poster of the cat hanging from a tree branch where it says "Hang on baby, hang on!!!" Yes, that's what the brain injury journey is like.
Here is part of an essay I wrote about brain injury. It goes like this:
A person with brain injury is the very same as anyone else, but has a completely different approach to life with ironically the same goals in mind. A person with brain injury learns very painfully, from the example of ppl around them, that real beauty transcends mere physical circumstance because their mind and life have been physically altered and transformed in the process.
Understand brain injury and you will understand the person. Understand the person and you will understand brain injury. The person with brain injury, one who has had the same personality his or her whole life, is suddenly thrust into the position of having a completely different one. It takes a long time to adapt. While coming to terms with all of the varied factors in their lives, ppl with brain injury CRAVE understanding while this metamorphosis is taking place. Mistakes are common and must be accepted as a real part of the process. Lots of mistakes.
But life goes on nonetheless. It always goes on and the person with brain injury learns full well, richly and deeply, to the fullest extent they have ever learned, despite all the limitations, despite all the pain, that they are like a bird in a cage whose melody has a chance to be sung again.
The bird in the cage learns a secret. It learns that some things are so beautiful that they soar, and dwell, far beyond the confines of a cage. It is not so important where one lives, but to be happy WHEREVER one is. Some things are so beautiful, they are never in a cage.
That was part of the essay. My brain doc told me that "it's the Sierra I AM that's relevant." So I'm running with that. I have nothing to go back to. The past is all gone. I wanted the "old me" back for so long and these days, I don't miss her hardly at all. Just on the bad days.
And when the bad days come, I take heart in knowing my TBI friends will understand my flaws, my headaches, my physical and emotional pain, and so much more. For you see, sometimes I am the giver and they are the receiver and sometimes I am the receiver and they are the giver. Life works so well when everybody does that. All in balance. Now if somebody would just tell the attorneys and the insurance companies that--lol. The power brokers are in a complete position to change society in a positive way.
This destiny of brain injury is a tough one at times, too heavy to carry. But we're running the distance together, all of us. We're not alone. Awareness, Acceptance, Adaptation: this is the brain injury slogan. This is me, this is you, this is life.
The issue of brain injury burns brightly inside of me, especially mild brain injury. I made it so far. On the bad days, I will return to this story to remind myself to maintain my focus and to continue my journey. In the meantime, the world is changing to embrace the injury of brain injury. The diagnosis of brain injury is in my file now. I'll never have to go through what I went through again. That makes me happy. And with what I've learned, maybe I can help lighten someone else's load a little.
This story is why the issue of brain injury burns brightly inside of me. Who would have ever guessed that a less-than-two-second event would end up here, now, at this keyboard almost eight years later. The attorneys promised me I would get to tell my story--I never did--until now.
There is so much more to say. But this is enough. I am a person with brain injury. There is still joy to be found. There is still hope. A long time ago, a doctor told me that no matter how this brain injury business turned out, that I WOULD FIND a life for myself again, that I WOULD GO ON. Yes, it's happening..............come what may, life goes on.
