Our nightmare began on December 27,1998. My husband Wade of 16 years who was 35 at the time, went to work "WISHING I HAD A FEW MORE DAYS OFF OF WORK." A few hours later I got the call telling me that he had been hurt at work, and they needed me to come pick him up. He had refused treatment by EMS, and I was told that he was "acting very weird." God lets you no when you need help, so I called my parents to go with me.

When we got there I was told by co-workers that he had taken the garbage out to the dumpster. When he came back inside, he was angry, in pain, wobbly, & very nauseated. Other than that they weren't really sure what was wrong, or what had happened.

The ride to the hospital was the longest 10 miles of my life. There was a hospital much closer than that, but we thought we were taking him to a better one. Upon arrival he was examined, questioned and released. No tests were done, I was told he had a concussion, and given discharge instructions. I have come to realize that any ER DR. that asks the patient, and takes them at there word about a possible loss of conciseness, SHOULD BE HUNG OUT TO DRY!!! I listened to the orrentative questions that they asked him, and I was totally un-impressed by his answers. I told the DR. that I had never seen him behave this way before, but I was not paid attention to, I guess because I wasn't the patient, and in part I believe cause it didn't even tear his scalp.

The ride home that day was very long, somber, and terrifying. I put him to bed and prayed for the best. Little did I know that my husband of 16 years, also the person who was my best friend was gone forever....... GOD HOW I MISS HIM, AND I ALWAYS WILL.

However it didn't take long to figure out how gone he was. The next 2 days were nothing but sleep for him, wouldn't eat, and crawled on the floor when he awoke. I found him crawling, stood him up, and he was surprised that legs work like that. On the third day, he started what I thought were seizures, so by ambulance we returned to the same hospital. Finally a CT SCAN was given. Revealing a right occipital fracture. Again sent home with additional follow up instructions. Our family DR. was out of town, so we waited to do follow up care with him. During the next week we learned a lot, about the "new person" in my life.. Lesson #1, I'm your wife. Lesson #2 you are safe here. Lesson #3 I didn't no who this mean awful person in my husbands body was.

As time went by and many DR. appointments came and went, I began to realize that this situation was bigger than both of us by a long shot!! Our friends, and my family kicked into high gear. I needed people to stay with him so I could go to work. They did. I needed meals cooked, they did. I needed someone who understood, but for that I was on my own. Eventually there wasn't much more that friends, or family could actively do, but we all searched for something positive to be done. My mother networked thru her state job and finally discovered hope. I met with an attorney totally against my wishes, I didn't want to be "one of those people". God however does work for us when we don't no how to help ourselves. The attorney Mr. John Layman was a fulltime TBI specialist, president of BIAWA. He set us up with DR. Karen Stanek a physiatrist, at St. Lukes Rehab. To me she was GOD on earth.

At the end of a very long year of cognitive, speech, psychological, physical, vestibular, and vocational therapies, and TONS OF MEDS. Labor and Industries closed the case. Having been unable to overcome the emotional problems he now had, he was unable to return to work. On the home front. Wade and I were at wits ends with one another. Now 2 years after the injury, he decided that I should behave as his wife, not the "mother" that I had been forced to become. In therapy I tried many times to explain to him how we had evolved into a mother & son relationship. He was unable to understand and moved out of the house, with plans to live in his car. He got an apartment instead because the DR.'s made him. He has been there ever since. I now have 2 homes to keep up. I have come to both hate and value this set up. So 3 weeks after he moved out of the house, the case closed. Timing as they say is everything.

Since then he has refused to try to get anymore help, saying "they told me this is as good as it gets, so I guess it is." In the interim I did what was required, SSD was granted on the first appeal, not likely to happen in most cases I've learned. I forced the meds. down his throat, and prayed he wouldn't end up in the streets holding a cardboard sign. I still pray everyday that will never happen, but it is much more probable than any of us care to admit.

A great many things have happened since the day he was hurt. Some good, some not so good, but all turn out to be valuable lessons. If you look hard enough you will find the hope in life. I think the first funny lesson for me as to how different he was...... I was dressing him to go to the DR. as he sat on the edge of the bed he looked down at the white briefs I was putting on him, immediately he became upset. Telling me that he has never worn briefs, and how dare I try to get him to do so now. "I WEAR BOXERS DAMN IT!!!!!" Didn't matter to him that there were a whole drawer full of briefs, and not one pair of boxers in the bunch. Needless to say I went shopping the next day, and no he didn't wear any underwear that day,go figure LOL. The irony is it's also a small example of all the out of pocket expenses that go with TBI. Not to mention parking meters!!

For me well I spent a year in therapy on my own, with Dr. Ron Klein,a man who also was a TBI psychologist. He helped me understand all the medical and especially beaurocratic BS. However he had to "fire" me because I couldn't really work on me, I was to worried about Wade. Since he fired me 6 months ago, I lost my job which had become my "real world" since his injury, and took myself slowly off the anti-depressant I spent the last year on.

Now as I am able to really look around at what my life has become, I'm scared. There are 2 friends left in our new lives, tribute to the fact that some can understand, all that were just his friend are gone. Kim that I worked with, who new I couldn't really function, and covered for me as long as she could. God bless her. Jason who was at our home EVERY DAY, doing whatever I needed whether I new it or not, for the first 2 years. Including the day he married and the birth of his first child. God bless him and his lovely wife. All the other friends, and some family too have vanished. In part do to a lack of time on our parts, and our inability to really be friends to anyone. As well as the fact that we are two very different people now. I've never taken so much from people for so long, and I pray I never have to again. I lost the first home I ever owned. Tried to figure out away to mentally "bury" my husband, because he is dead. His "tombstone" is a tattoo on my leg. Comprised of the moon, stars, and flowers he always gave me. He knows exactly what and why it is, and it bothers him not at all. Sometimes he rubs my leg where the tattoo is, and tells me how much he misses him too. You see he remembers who, and what he was............. and doesn't like at all who he has become. He still tries to come to terms with his new life, as do I. But that is an on going process, and always will be. And no, rage anger, and emotional instability don't help.

Now I am lonely and scared. In some ways stronger than ever before, and in others much weaker. I know now that nothing lasts forever, and that life truly isn't fair. So what, it still needs to be lived and cherished. The hardest part I think is, not really being able to let go. If I do, the streets and cardboard sign call his name, can't live with that thought. How will I ever have a romantic relationship again? I still love the old Wade that plays "peek-a-boo" with me at times. My family says I need to live my life for me now, "how" I ask. He will never be cured, will always need help from time to time, and as far as I can see he will always be suicidal. So I ask how do you let go? I still stick my head in the fire with him daily as it were. He drives drinks, and has resorted to street drugs to trying to escape "the monster within". He has caused great harm to me financially and I'm sure isn't done yet. Yes there were times I feared for my physical safety to. But all that aside I know that if I really was supposed to be out of his life, God would have shown me the way. So this as far as I can see is my destiny.

The two most valuable things I think I could share with someone new to this. #1 Dr.'s can't ever tell you anything concrete about the outcome of the patient, because every BI is different, and they don't want to put any limitations, on your thinking. #2 The first book I read on TBI let me know just how real my circumstances were, "OVER MY HEAD" by CLAUDIA OSBORN. Page #46, I couldn't put it better myself, and I firmly believe it saved both of our lives. I have come to a very strange resolve within myself I know that he does not want to be alive, and oddly enough I have come to understand and respect that. We have yet to live the day where anger memory loss, and an inability to know joy are not so overwhelming. But that's just it, the operative word is YET.

Maggie Krauss AKA
mert-n-wade
ALWAYS, MAGGIE

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