I am constantly feeling so dizzy that I have to grab on to nearby furniture to keep from falling backwards. Thinking my problem is visual I see my opthamologist and discover that a drastic change is needed in my left lens. Upon picking up the new glasses 10 days later, I discover that they are useless and I can't understand why.

Little do I know that changes are going on in my brain. I am unable to do the simple calculations that came to me so naturally before, and am experiencing short term memory loses. Then all of a sudden I am no longer able to read my sheet music or play my electronic piano and compose/arrange songs. I can't type anymore either. Each morning I can not "wake up", always feeling too groggy to be productive. Upon reporting these symptoms to my doctor, rather tearfully exclaiming "I think either I've had a stroke or I have Alzheimer's Disease!" he tests my strength and determines they are about equal on both sides. "Can't be a stroke come back in a week for a more thorough exam," he is telling me.

At this point, now January 4, 1996 the headaches have become migraines and unbearable. He prescribes an anti-nausea medication for me but nothing for the pain. Five days later, on January 9, 1996 my Dad, with whom I live, becomes alarmed when by 10:30 AM I still have not engaged in my 8:30 AM traditional routine of bringing him his newspaper and cup of coffee, putting out the mail, and turning off the porch light.

Upon arriving upstairs, he finds me lying on the floor, semi-conscious and unable to get up. even with his assistance. I hear Dad on the phone, but can't quite make out what he is saying. He sounds scared to me.

I hear a siren next and then I become aware that the paramedics are here and I can hear them telling Dad that I am completely paralyzed on my left side and they suspect I have had a stroke. I hear Dad calmly replying "OH?" The word "stroke" means nothing to me. My mind is not thinking anymore. I am in a fog.

I am now sitting on the porch and can see a swirling red light at the curb side. I don't know what it is. Off to Daniel Freeman Marina Medical Center we go. I have no recall of this ride to the hospital. Later, A CAT SCAN and an MRI reveal an enormous "ring enhancing lesion" occupying about one-fifth of my skull. I later learn that am lucky this mass is in my right frontal lobe. Had it been in the left the damage would have been much greater! The doctors are preparing my Dad for the worse."It might be brain cancer". But my first surgery reveals the mass to be a streptococcus bacterial infection which has permeated throughout my brain, and it is drained. A great deal of swelling and fluid collection throughout my brain is also causing my entire brain to be "squished" against my skull, causing even further pervasive and diffuse damage throughout .

The first day after surgery I am rather talkative, according to Dad, but then for the next 9 days I am becoming "acutely less responsive", drifting into a coma. After a second brain surgery I go into respiratory failure, but only for a very brief period of time.

My physical recovery is remarkable but I can't say the same for my emotional or cognitive recovery! After only 6 weeks of speech, physical, occupational and cognitive therapy I am ready to return home!!!

The doctors had told my Dad that it would take AT LEAST SIX MONTHS FOR ME TO WALK AGAIN. But, fortunately Dad never passed this information on to me. As far as I am concerned, in a matter of days I will be walking, talking, grooming and dressing myself. It is partly this positive attitude and expectations that speed up my recovery so much.

Also, another one of my primary motivating factors to recover and get home is the fact that I desperately miss my two daughter pooches, Shansi, my black and white, 12 year old Shih-Tzu, and Mikko, my tan 11 year old mixed Terrier Mutt. As I am approaching the runway in the physical therapy room, I am picturing them both at the opposite end of the runway, saying. "HURRY MOMMY, WE MISS YOU.PLEASE LEARN TO WALK. WE NEED YOU BACK HOME WITH US". As I imagine them there, I am getting pretty teary eyed and work hard at walking, step by step, ignoring the IV needles that are piercing through my veins as I am putting the pressure of my weight on my hands, trying to slide my paralyzed left hand across the railings.

Throughout my hospitalization, after I come out of the coma, I make sure eveyone who is treating me sees my doggie pictures and understands how motivating they are toward my recovery. I sure do wish I had a camcorder. I would have loved to have my memories of our re-union at home on tape. It was really something to behold!!

There are so many challenges in that hospital. First of all none of us have ever been prepared for such DEPENDANCY on others for such simple things as going to the bathroom, grooming, showering, brushing teeth, and eating. How does one use a knife, or cut one's food with only one hand to use. Or just try putting on a sock on your left foot when your entire left side is paralyzed, and remember that since your left foot is paralyzed, you cannot even position it to "receive" your sock. Of course tying shoe laces is another matter entirely. If you want a real challenge, just try that and remember, you can't use your left hand, or squeeze that little loop you have just created with your "good hand" on one side of your shoelace.

Of course I have no idea what coming home will be like. I am assuming that life will be back to "normal" and just as it was before I had gone to the hospital. I hadn't heard of the term "cognitive deficits". How many of any of us have!!! But even if I had, that term would have been completely meaningless to me.what does THAT mean???

My brain feels like it has been through an earthquake! It is filled with millions of words, most that don't have any meaning attached to them. Reading without comprehension is meaningless so I stop reading the newspaper. I can no longer enjoy movies on TV or in the theater because my concentration and attention span are not sufficient to do so. I am too fatigued to go anywhere or do much of anything. When I go to the bank and find the side door to be locked, while people are inside, it does not even occur to me to check the front door that IS open. Too much problem solving involved with THAT task. Just thinking at all, in any way is utterly exhausting!!! The simplest of tasks, that used to come second nature are now huge challenges causing utter mental and emotional exhaustion and a task that used to take about 5 minutes to execute is now taking about 30 minutes!!! I can't spell anymore, or use the phone book. A Doctor's note to the local phone company gets me free 411 information services. Thank God.

Dad helps me with shopping and the laundry. I can't managed any tasks that involve "sequencing" or more than one step, myself. Going to shopping malls is terrifying.so much auditory and visual stimulii are overwhelming.

When my Doctor tells me that I am still very anemic, I know that word sounds familiar, but have no idea what it means and it isn't even occurring to me that it is OK or even possible to ask.

It is like that for lots of wordsa sense of familiarity, but with no real comprehension, or any idea of how to USE that word, or put it into a sentence. All I have are fragments of the English Language floating around in my head.

When Dad and I go to a restaurant and I look at a menu, I am so confused and overwhelmed I burst into tears. I can not fathom how to ORGANIZE all these foods in my head.

Just seeing hamburger might be OK. But to see 8 different kinds of hamburgers is way beyond my grasp. And choices, choices, choices.how does one go about setting priorities??? How do I know if I want a sandwich, or a bowl of soup, or an entree.this is all far beyond me.

Going to supermarkets is even worse. What is an expiration date??? And since I can't remember what today is, how can I figure out how long this food will be good for??? Numbers are too much of an abstraction to comprehend. Dates are far too hard to remember but the daily newspaper helps with that. Then I discover there is the problem of not being able to park on certain hours of the day due to street cleaning. I am having so much difficulty keeping track of when and where I CAN park, I get 3 parking tickets. I fight them and win, and also purchase a watch that has BOTH the day and date to help orient me. Dad always has such great ideas!!!

At all parking lots, all the cars look the same to me. I discover that I have no "differentiation skills". I discover in my out patient rehabilitation program that there are such things called "alternate thinking", "multi-tasking", and "paying attention to detail" and that they are all essential skills that I used to have but had taken for granted. I cannot do any of those anymore. I cannot alternate from one task to another, or do more than one thing at a time, or notice details (which is quite necessary for differentiation skills).

If the phone rings, or the dogs demand to be fed, or the doorbell rings, I have to leave what I am doing, and then walk around the house for hours, trying to find a task that appears to be only partially done. "Let's see now. What was I doing just before that phone rang????" Finally I find something that I had been working on. Then I have to start all over again, cause I can't tell which part of this task I completed or didn't complete.

I have the same problem trying to purchase typewritter ribbons or tapes for my calculator. Everything looks exactly the same. I am feeling so stupid, I am afraid to ask for help. He might ask me simple questions that I can't answer. I feel like an idiot!

I walk around the Santa Monica College parking lot for hours looking for my car. I think I am going around in circles, but I don't know for sure. "Let's see.have I already been down this aisle???" Finally, after several like experiences I apply for and receive a handicapped placard, which helps me deal with that problem.

When I look at the menu markee at a Mexican fast food restaurant everything translates into rice and beans for me. I can't tell the difference between one dish and another so I decide I am not really that hungry anyway, and besides, I can't make choices yet.

And then there is the matter of going shopping for some warmer shirts.and a hat because my head is shaven. Oh there are such a thing as SIZES??? REALLY.well, what does that mean??? Oh, I can try it on? I didn't know that, and I never would have even figured that out.that involves "PROBLEM SOLVING" and I can't do THAT yet. Everything is SOOOOOOOO CONFUSING. How does one even remember to keep on breathing???

Subsequent to my returning home, by best girlfriend of six years is telling me that she does not feel comfortable with the changes in me, especially my neediness, and she is walking out my door, only to never return. I am feeling devastated and a huge void in my life. I've got to do something to fill this big void in my life now. It is now that I decide to look for a TBI support group. There are none in my area, so I decide to form one myself. The six of us that I bring together in 2/97 decide to call ourselves the TBI SOCIAL NETWORK and vote to include caregivers as well as TBI survivors, in order to make this group as INCLUSIVE as possible. Since 1997 I spend many hours per week and much of my own SSDI income to support this group, and to help it keep going and growing. This has been a very meaningful endeavor for me, and has helped a great deal with my recovery.

I have learned so much since my recovery these past nearly 4 years. First of all I would like to emphasize with TBI survivors and caregivers who are new to this event, that RECOVERY continues FOR A LIFE TIME AND FOREVERnot just for the 6 months to a year that most doctors predict. KEEP ON HOPING AND STRIVING TO REACH FOR YOUR DREAMS!!! Secondly, in the PROPER learning environment, you CAN acquire NEW skills. Prior to my brain injury I didn't have a clue as to how computers worked and didn't know the difference between a mouse and a monitor. Now, thanks to the Santa Monica College Acquired Brain Injury program, that is all different for me.

Thirdly, for friends and relatives of TBI SURVIVORS, please DON'T ABANDON your loved one who experienced a TBI. They may be different now, but they need your SUPPORT MORE THAN EVER. DON'T JUMP SHIP WHEN THE GOING GETS ROUGH!!! Fourth of all, if you haven't been there.done that, ALWAYS TAKE PREVENTATIVE ACTIONS TO KEEP THIS FROM HAPPENING TO YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES. WEAR HELMETS AND USE SEAT BELTS, NO MATTER HOW UNCOMFORTABLE THEY MAY BE. WOULD YOU RATHER BE IN A WHEELCHAIR FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!

Fifth of all, YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD RECOVERY CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. KNOW THAT YOU ARE A SURVIVOR, because that attitude will promote your recovery.

Of course, you will have to greive your losses, and respect your body's need to recover in its OWN time frame, but, THERE IS NO ROOM FOR SELF-PITY HERE!!! You have survived for a reason, when so many brain injuries are FATAL. God saved you for a purpose. Find out what that is. Personally, I think he saved me so I could help others, and I have devoted my life to doing that, and it is working to speed up MY recovery. Most of all I have learned that it is essential that one "Turn lemons into Lemonade". Trite I know, but OH SO TRUE!!!

Email Karen

Now I'd like you to meet me and my kids, along with my wonderful, loyal, caregiver, my dad: EDWARD FLEISHMAN, who practically lived in the hospital and has continued to provide constant and loving assistance ever since. Aslo, for pictures of the TBI SOCIAL NETWORK, please see our "Who We Are: All about the TBI SOCIAL NETWORK" page. Please click HERE to see pictures of my darling "kids" and my lovable DAD and myself.

Below are pictures of my "kids" ( Shansi, the black and white, 12 year old Shih-Tzu and Mikko, my tan, 11 year old, mixed Terrier Mutt.), who were instrumental in my motivation for physical recovery. More recently acquired is JUMPER, a 3 year old grey COCKAPOO (combination Cocker Spaniel and Poodle) whom I adopted from an animal shelter. He is so loveable, it's hard to imagine that anyone could put him to sleep. Please also meet my father, Edward Fleishman, who practically lived in the hospital and has continued to provide daily support without complaint.I love you Dad, Karen.